It Explains…or (A Confession of Self-Realization)

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Been reading and studying after some really close to me have stated they think I have it. In my studies, I see now that I’ve had it since childhood. It explains a lot of my school issues prior to college. It explains why I often don’t think before speaking or acting, which is the impulsivity.

It explains why I am constantly drumming or beating on something because I have a lot of energy and operate at a high wavelength or frequency. It explains why I have trouble sifting still. It explains why I’m so high strung at times. It explains why when presented with boring subjects I wonder and daydream. Explains why I’m very irritable, impatient, and have trouble with strong emotions like that. It explains why I’m a textbook underachiever. It explains why I feel continually rushed internally and why I’m always on the go making it hard to, as The Dude says, to abide or as Nacho would say, take it easy. It explains why I have trouble with boundaries. It explains my constant conviction that I’m a failure and deeply inadequate at everything.

It explains why my prayer life is non-existent because I am inattentive and impatient in prayer. I’m easily distracted and my mind wonders. It explains why I’ve always had self-image and self-esteem issues. It effects me spiritually because those things help drive an inner sense of guilt or shame. It explains why I get bored during Divine Liturgy.

But it also explains why I’m very creative, really good at stuff I find interesting enough to put my mind too, need structure, very outgoing, driven, and like to think outside the proverbial box. But it explains why I say to hell with said proverbial box because for me there is no box; there is no half full or half empty cup for the cup itself is, to me, flawed.

What is this it of which I speak?

It is ADHD.

I have ADHD.

It explains so much of my personal struggles in life, school, relationships, and, as of late, vocation. I have not been officially tested, but the reading, studying, observations, introspection, and self-reflecting indicate to me that it is there. This is not bad nor does it mean I’m gonna be on medicines. In fact, ADHD can be treated without medicines, but even if it were required the meds today do not take away from someone’s personality or make them couch potatoes. They help with concentration and focusing.

My priest has told me some of the most important understanding is self-understanding. Learning how we tick, how we think, and how our brains work. My brain is genetically wired differently. Which isn’t at all a bad thing. I don’t have too much trouble focusing or paying attention, but I display a lot of hyperactivity and impulsivity.

When I can afford to, or get insurance,  be officially diagnosed and treated by a coach I will find more therapeutic understanding and revelation about this. I hope to find ways to channel that energy, find those boundaries, and educate myself further about all thus.

This self-understanding will help with my personal, professional, and spiritual lives. I am just beginning to understand ADHD. Many who know me will agree with my discovery. Some will be blinded by their negative and ill-informed views of what ADHD is, their fears, and concerns.

ADHD isn’t bad. It is often misunderstood and not treated rightly. In fact, some of the world’s most brilliant people have had it or other learning disorders. It doesn’t make us bad or flawed or crazy or messed up or possessed or oppressed or anything; it simply makes us different, more passionate, inspirational, quick thinking, innovative, and visionaries if understood correctly and if we harness it. Had someone known in my childhood I had it perhaps my life would have had different outcomes in different areas. But the past is just that, the past. I know a little more about myself and how my brain works. The ADHD and the symptoms present in me aren’t what makes me who I am. Some of them are bad, but some are good. However, they don’t define me, but they are a part of me. The goal is to work past the bad, utilize the good, and move on. This is part of my journey now even my spiritual journey and progress.

I’m not sure what the next steps are, but for now I’m gonna bring this to a close and go stare out a window and daydream.

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